Marc talks about his Bisexuality for #BiWeek

bisexual

Mom, Dad, Dear Readers,

I have to tell you something. … I’m Bi. Well, actually, my boyfriend and my parents and my friends already know. But when I was casually talking with one of my best friends and said something along the lines of ‘since you know, I’m bi’ and she told me didn’t have a clue and that it might be a good idea to do a post about it during the current Bisexuality Awareness Week. Now, she knows that I have ex-girlfriends, but that doesn’t mean too much given I came out after our relationship ended. The fact that I was drooling over half-naked, bare-assed waiters at UK GLBTQ and have been with my boyfriend for almost four years might have something to do with her assumption that I’m gay as well.

However, it probably mostly was the fact that I often don’t say I’m Bi. I say I’m gay, which considering that I prefer guys to women, never had a sexual relationship with a woman and that I live in a committed, monogamous gay relationship doesn’t ring wrong. It also makes things easier on me. People know what ‘gay’ means. They might not all be in agreement that people are born gay or straight, but at least it is a well-know label, a box I can neatly fit into. Now, if I say ‘Bi’ there are immediately a ton of questions.

While I usually try to avoid them, let’s look at them instead. It’s Bisexuality Awareness Week after all! 

So, when my buddy says ‘Dude, that’s so awesome. That means you have twice as many potential partners.’ That is actually something I would not mind believing. but I don’t! Which is why I still can’t believe that there are dating sites that charge double for those looking for Women AND Men to meet. For me, though, honesty is important in a relationship. Honesty and Respect. So obviously the people who find gay people disgusting have to fall away. The Women who would think me less a man for taking it up the butt, the women just uncomfortable with the idea. Of course there will be Women who don’t mind or even find it sexy, but I think we can agree the pool of women has grown smaller. But the gay men must be a different story, you say? Well, I certainly think they don’t have as much a problem with the guy-on-guy action and the butt sex 😛 However, we have to account for those who would not start something with a Bi guy, because they think it’s just a straight guy who is curious, but not really gay and could not be committed in a gay relationship. Oh, also take out the guys who think Bi guys are just too scared to admit to themselves and others that they are gay and are thus almost closet cases and no relationship material. Or the guys who think Bi guys don’t know what they want and are too wishy-washy. Or the ones simply too uncomfortable with a guy who had sex with women. So, not quite twice the potential prey on the hunting grounds, but there are still enough to find someone to be happy and grow old with, if one is lucky.

“So, that means you can still marry a girl and give us grandchildren?”, a mother might ask. And yes that is a possibility. But not a guarantee. As a bi man I might find a woman who does not want to marry. Ever. Perhaps she does not want children? Perhaps isn’t able to get pregnant? It could also just as easily be a man I fall for. In my case, being more attracted to guys the chances were even bigger and I did happen to fall for a guy.

The religious bigot might smile and confront you: “So let’s assume gays don’t have a choice and are born ‘that way’. You weren’t. You had a choice and you chose an unnatural relationship against God’s wishes”. How to even start with this one. It isn’t often voiced but can be felt in the attitudes of people. First, I don’t have a choice who I fall for. Not really. Do straight people? gay people? Can you go up to a person and force yourself to fall in love with that person? Make yourself not fall in love with another person? For me, being bisexual means that I have a base attraction to both sexes, even if my attraction to guys is bigger. So theoretically, the person I fall in love with and spend my life with could be a man or a woman. I have the potential to fall in love with either. I think women can be very sexy and erotic, they can arouse me, I can lust after them, I can and have felt tingles and stirring while kissing a girl and I have been in love with women. I’ve never had sex with a woman, never really had the opportunity, so I can’t personally speak to that – though the thought is not an unpleasant one. For me, sexuality is more fluid than those boxes people like to put us in make it look. But I have no real power over who I fall in love with (or happily fell in love with) and I was born just the way I was, nothing more, nothing less.

“You’re probably just scared to come out of the closet completely”. First, I want to say that if someone manages to conquer his or her fear and edge out of the closet slowly by saying they are bi when in reality they are gay, good for them. We life in a world where acceptance is hard to come by. If someone can find a way to live more honestly than before with a part of themselves, they used to suppress, that is a good thing. A step in the right direction. And people shouldn’t assume that it automatically less difficult. My mom is incredibly supportive, but struggled a bit with the revelation in the beginning. She told me it might have been easier for me had I been gay. Especially if I had been flamboyantly gay, so that it would have been a visible part of me. Being ‘hetero-like’ as they say, able to ‘pass as straight’, it came as a surprise to her that I was bi. And she was never completely able to let go of the idea that I might someday marry a woman and have children. At least until she met my boyfriend and experienced our love and commitment. But she said if I was gay, that would have been that. But being bi meant either a future with a woman or a man could happen… while none of my my friends turned their backs on me, i did have one friend who continually tried to hook me up with women, though I was in a relationship with a guy… In the end, I think the easiest way to tell you guys why I don’t think this is correct in my case, is that it is easier for me to say I’m gay, so I don’t have to explain what being bi means for me, every single time.

“There are no bisexual people, only people to scared to commit to one side. You just don’t know what you want!”.  These things can be particularly difficult to hear, especially if they come from the community that is supposed to love you, despite or even because of your differences. Sometimes the wish to scream ‘Shut the fuck up!” is very big. I can assure you, I am not a unicorn in fairy land. I’m real, my feelings are real. Relationships with both men and women can be real. And the hurt that words like these can cause is real as well.

“You are REALLY gay/straight, just haven’t found the right guy/ girl”. When I find a guy or girl I want to be with, I will be in a straight or gay relationship, but it does not change that I am bi and open for romantic and sexual relationships with both a man or a woman. There is no guy or girl who could pull me completely to ‘their side’. It is a separate sexual orientation. It does not even matter if I fall for a guy or woman directly and never have a relationship with someone from the other gender that could potentially attract me. Nor does that mean I cannot be in a monogamous relationship or give me the right to cheat on my partner to explore the ‘other side’ when we are exclusive.

I really think there needs to be more awareness. Bisexuality seems to be something that is not well understood. For me it is very easy – perhaps because I am Bi. But the notion of falling for the person, regardless of gender, makes sense to me. As does the concept of a strong preference for either gender. I have a slight preference for the male gender, though am open to explore my sexuality with women in theory, if not in practice. We love to put labels on things, but they don’t always fit for every person.Sexuality is not static, it is fluid. In my humble opinion at least. Anyway. I am bi. I hope that you guys still love me and it does not change the way you look at me. For some people from either side, unfortunately it does.

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42 thoughts on “Marc talks about his Bisexuality for #BiWeek

  1. Thanks Marc, this is brilliant. I will get my eldest son to read this, as he has a friend who has told him he is Bi – he lost some friends, but I am proud to say my son is still best mates with him. This is a real insight into what it means. Thank you XX

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Marc, I love how you’ve answered the questions listed. I see myself using your descriptions to help explain questions asked by some of my less-than-worldly friends. Living in the south, they just don’t understand my view of “labels” and “boxes”. Yes, awareness is the answer. Let’s hope it continues to grow.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, that would be great. Awareness and Acceptance! 😉 I’m glad you liked my descriptions and if they can help you in any way to expand the horizon of even one person, that would be amazing ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    • Exactly. Love is a beautiful thing. I don’t get how people seem so focused on actively trying to destroy any kind of love that ‘makes them uncomfortable’ because of things they ‘personally’ believe, instead of using their energies on helping others. There are far more destructive and evil things out there than love!!!

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  3. Pingback: Marc talks about his Bisexuality for #BiWeek | Silkeeeeee – Mistress of the Dark

    • Thanks so much! Glad you liked it! And I have found so much support in the LGBT community that it is easy to take small risks. It has gotten so much easier to open up, because there are always people at my back.

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  4. Marc, thank you for your wonderful blog post. I too identify as bisexual and I find that most people in the straight and gay communities are “judgmental”. My other “Bi” friends get me but those were are straight totally don’t and I tend to just not talk about it with them. Those that are gay, some get it some don’t but there is a prevailing assumption that Bi people are just fence sitters and can’t commit one way or another. I hate that for the Bisexual Community. I kinda hate the word Bisexual too because it implies it is all about sex when it is really more about people. I am living a straight life, I have been married 18 years this October to a wonderful man. I have always been attracted to both sexes but I don’t think I really explored it and admitted I was bisexual til about 12 years ago. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for you words here, this could really help someone help their friends/family try to understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your wonderful and open response!!! You are right, too much attention on the sex part. Sex can be a way to be intimately close to someone we really love or for people who want to have fun together. Whatever we do in private, though, we should never be reduced to just sexual creatures. we are all human foremost. With straight couples, a kiss doesn’t usually lead to discussions of their sex lives. Those are private. However gay and bisexual couples are often judges, talked about and their private sex lives are open for discussion and up for approval or disapproval, it seems. It can be fun to openly talk about sex with friends, it makes me very happy to talk with friends who have no problems with the subject and openly discuss problem or joke, laugh about and discuss things. I still don’t feel like strangers have the right to judge me and reduce me to my sexuality. But I think talking about it openly might still be very important …

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    • Thanks. I’m glad you liked the post. It really helps that I know there are people who listen, don’T judge and stand behind me. It was wonderful to meet you and to know you have my back. Thanks for everything!

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  5. Well, I was in a relationship with a bi guy and even though he “committed” himself to me I never really trusted him. I went off to fight in Angola and when I came back home, at the welcoming party, I found him upstairs sucking face with the neighbour’s wife. Hence my distrust. Thanks for the honesty and inner feelings you shared here Marc. I understand Bisexuality a bit more now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes our instincts, our gut feeling, should be trusted. We can feel the subtleties of how people act towards us and might realize in our hearts that something is off. It is important to realize though that it is not his sexuality that made him cheat or made him untrustworthy. If that was his excuse then it is nothing more than that. An excuse. Everyone can make choices and he made his. But his bisexuality had nothing to do with it!

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  6. I have a happily married bi daughter who really loves her husband but she too has mentioned all the issues you do in your post. Thank you for your open, honest and informative post that hopefully will help more people understand that being bi is just like being straight or gay, it’s just who you are and how you were born.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am glad you support your daughter and that she has found a loving husband! I wish more people would be as open as you are about this topic. Glad you liked the post! ❤

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  7. Excellent post Marc. I have several bi friends, one of which who is struggling because she ended up falling in love with a man and her lesbian friends labeled her a traitor. That is very hard to hear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is. The people who are supposed to understand us most, because they have gone through similar live experiences and suffer similar discrimination are the last we expect to turn their backs to us and treat us in a similar way. But unfortunately, human nature is sometimes fickle. That’s why it is so important to find the right kind of friends and surround yourself with them. People who accept you for who you are and who support you. People you can trust! Thank you for being a friend to them and for being a friend to me 😉 I’m sure they appreciate it as much as I do.

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  8. Well said Marc! I am also attracted to both sexes but I just don’t tell people. Especially guys as the stock response is “can I watch” *sigh*. Currently I am just staying single but *cough* enjoying myself. And ultimately I am just happy you have found your special someone 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I am also very happy to have find the right guy for me. Even though he is nothing like I expected. LOL. I completely get your frustrations, that is why I have found it easier to just say I’m gay – but sometimes it is important to have an outlet and let people know about these issues. Make them think about things in a new way. This week was the perfect opportunity for me to do so. Though I’m glad you are enjoying yourself and being single 😛 I hope you find the right person when you are ready 😉 ❤

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  9. Great, honest post. I found your answers to be perfect for answering questions when I hear other people discussing bi-sexuals. It seems as gays become more accepted, the new target is bi and trans for making assumptions. You are correct that sexuality is fluid. I also admire your commitment to one person while in a relationship. We could use more of this, regardless of if the partners are gay, straight, bi, lesbian, etc. If both people are open to others, fine…but too many times it’s done behind one partner’s back and that truly sucks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right. It is so sad to see people throw away years of love and commitment for some quick moments of fun. If a person is sexually unfulfilled in a relationship, often talking to the partner and finding a solution together can work. But going behind the partner’s back is never the solution! I’m glad my post has given you some ideas you can use in discussions and I hope it will make people think about their own positions on these issues. I must say some of the things I heard people say about bisexual and transgender people in the GAY community utterly shocked me. From people who should know better. I do hope that there will be more awareness soon.

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  10. Thanks for sharing your experiences. 🙂 I feel like when I was growing up, I knew about straight and I knew about gay, but zero about bi. Bi didn’t exist. So that meant I was straight, and the fact that certain ladies happened to interest me in an um…’physical way’ just meant I was weird, right?

    So yeah, I think awareness is key. Nicer to be bi than just a weirdo. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are absolutely right. Polar opposites are simplifications for very small children, but I can’t believe how many people honestly believe that there is only one way of living/being/ seeing the world. There is such variety in every part of our lives, sexuality is no different! It is indeed comforting to know that there is more out there 😉 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your story!

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    • Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It means a lot to me! It is sometimes not easy to talk openly about everything, when I get confronted with a lot of ignorance in my life. At one point you get tired to defend what is natural to you. Something that is not anyone’s business unless I decide to share it. But in our world that is still far from perfect, I think it is important sometimes to just do it and confront people with it or make them think about it.

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  11. My daughter came out to me a couple years ago. She’s a teenager and says she might be gay or she might be bi. Either way, posts like yours help me get my head around what she’s dealing with. Thanks…

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